Chely Wright & Memories of Coming Out in the South

I just finished watching "Wish Me Away" the documentary about country star and lesbian activist Chely Wright. It was an amazing film and I recommend it. It did however bring up a lot of emotions and memories I haven't thought about in a long time.

I grew up in the Bible Belt like Chely. My hometown is small and not diverse in regards to religion. We were mostly Protestant (Methodists & Baptists) with small Catholic & Jewish communities. Of course people recognized that word "homosexual", that negative connotation. That slur. But nobody knew anyone gay.

Watching Chely coming out was almost physically painful. I remember when I came out to my parents. It was horrible, but it wasn't insurmountable in the end. We still talk and we still love each other.

Flashforward 10 years later. I'm a college graduate. I have a job. I'm in love with a wonderful man. I come home to visit my parents and visit my dad's office to say hello to all the folks that work there with him because, well they're family too.

There is one lady I am particularly excited to see, Patty. She has always been a bit of a Black sheep and encouraged me to be myself. She likes Star Trek, used to rock a nose ring and doesn't like the government. I thought we were almas gemelas, except she's not who I thought she was as it turns out. I remember watching her face turn to stone when I explained to her that my "friend" wasn't a friend but my lover, my one, my man, my boo, my everything. She stated that she loved me always and would respect my "lifestyle choice".

I hate that phrase. My brain turned off for the rest of the conversation. I don't remember how I responded. I felt betrayed and angry. It was worse than coming out to my parents, because despite my mother's hysterics I knew that things would be okay. This time however, things would never be the same. I have never spoken to her since. I lost a friend. Sometimes the truth hurts.

I know now that it doesn't matter. I have a plethora of friends and family that are still by my side. They're not judgemental. They are good people. They're good Christians (or Jews, Pagans, Muslims etc) in that they love regardless. I'm very thankful to have them in my life. And my love is stronger.

A Bit of Perspective: My Response to Memorial Day Patriotism

Yesterday, I got into a very frustrating argument on a gay social-networking site on the validity of supporting war and supporting Memorial Day. Despite that I have relative and friends who have served in the American Armed Forces, I do not support war ideologically or spiritually and I am a vocal anti-war advocate, especially when it comes to celebrating memorials of war. I think that remembering and honouring the dead is fine, but there are no national holidays for remembering war victims, only people who fight in wars. 

My frustration with patriotism especially comes from this, I had many people on the website calling me names and saying I was disgusting for not respecting the dead. I have respect for the dead. I do not respect the war they fought in. I refuse to memorialize war. Patriotism goes hand-in-hand with white patriarchy and heterosexism in the United States. People who are seen as unpatriotic for their dissent are labelled traitors. Apparently I am a traitor. Despite this, I still firmly believe that peace is patriotic, and dissent is also patriotic.

One man tried to end the conversation by accusing me of “not caring about the deaths of hundreds of Chinese and Jews”. I assume this person does not know I am Jewish. It enrages me as a Jewish man when White Christocentric Americans use the Holocaust as a justification for war. The United States not only took its time when coming to the rescue of Europe’s Jewry, but it also sent back boatloads of Jewish refugees when they came seeking asylum. It is insulting to victims of the Holocaust and other genocides to use their suffering as a justification for war. Where is America’s Memorial Day for Yom ha-Shoah, where is America’s Memorial Day for the Nanking Massacre? It is also insulting to use genocide as an example to insult people with differing opinions from yourself…especially when espousing how WW2 was justified by saving the Jewish people but conveniently forgetting the slaughter of close to a million Japanese civilians in the American bombings of Nagasaki and Hiroshima.

Another point that I want to emphasize is that the people calling me out, one self-described Libertarian even calling me a fool, were all White biological men. I believe that their sexual orientation is irrelevant in this case. Your sexuality or gender identity does not excuse White privilege. All these men have the privilege of occupying the upper echelons of our society especially as White men who have been to college. Education is a privilege and they used their privilege in an attempt to silence me. With this privilege comes power, and it is men like them who continue to perpetuate the interlocking systems of oppression in our society that hold women, people of colour and GLBTQ persons hostage. War and patriotism perpetuate these systems of oppression and I find it sadly ironic that these gay men continue to support them, erstwhile preventing true liberation.

(Ed. Note: I am currently reading Elizabeth Ammon’s Brave New Words: How Literature Will Save the Planet. She underlines how liberalism and academia have failed social justice. This, combined with White privilege in writing history from a White perspective and the privilege of succeeding as White people in higher education also fail social justice. I encourage you to read her book.)

Mouthrape (Or, a parable of dating bullshit)

I just read an amahzing amazing piece by Phaedra Starling called “Schrödinger’s Rapist: or a guys guide to approaching strange women without getting maced”. It comingled with the conversation last Saturday at a house party I was having about bad kissers. My particular contribution to the story was a meet up a few years ago at my fav NW bar, MuuMuus for some drinking and dinner. Nothing big. To be honest, I wasn’t really into the guy. I was doing what Drea DeMatteo’s character in Broken English refers to as “duty dating.” Dating so I don’t lose the magic touch, lolz.

Anyway, this brother and I were having dinner and some good conversation. I’m still not feeling any sparks and I’m good and sloshed and it’s getting late. Time to go. We go Dutch, (as being queer still doesn’t have a dating designation for who pays what and all that shit) and head out for a ciggy before parting.

Here’s where the trouble starts: the guy wants a kiss goodnight. Yeah, okay. Whatever. No biggie. I do my duty, without any sort of extra oomph, you know? Then he grabs me by both arms, and he’s really a lot bigger and taller than me and tries to whisper sexily “You can do better.” RED FLAG MOTHERFUCKER. Not sexy at all. We kiss again, this time with me not so much kissing as limp and waiting for it to be over. This dude doesn’t get it. He didn’t take any of my signals. I had god-only-knows-how-many texts from him over the next week. Now, I wasn’t being a bitch or anything but I making myself clear and was NOT into him. Some guys just can’t read the writing on your walls.

Anyway, this article really rang true to me, despite not being a girl. I think it can be applied to homosexual queer relations as well. Here is what you need to know (edited for us queers):

Because a (queer) man who ignores a woman’s (queer man’s) NO in a non-sexual setting is more likely to ignore NO in a sexual setting, as well. So if you speak to a woman (queer man) who is otherwise occupied, you’re sending a subtle message.

And what is that message? Well, that you don’t respect boundaries or rights. Hopefully this just means you’re a bit ambitious or not too clued in on social cues. In other words not a rapist, but who really knows? 

Stay safe, kiddies.