I just read an
amazing piece by Phaedra Starling called “Schrödinger’s Rapist: or a guys guide
to approaching strange women without getting maced”. It comingled with the
conversation last Saturday at a house party I was having about bad kissers. My
particular contribution to the story was a meet up a few years ago at my fav NW
bar, MuuMuus for some drinking and dinner. Nothing big. To be honest, I wasn’t
really into the guy. I was doing what Drea DeMatteo’s character in Broken English refers to as “duty
dating.” Dating so I don’t lose the magic touch, lolz.
Anyway, this brother and I were having dinner and some good conversation. I’m still not feeling any sparks and I’m good and sloshed and it’s getting late. Time to go. We go Dutch, (as being queer still doesn’t have a dating designation for who pays what and all that shit) and head out for a ciggy before parting.
Here’s where the trouble starts: the guy wants a kiss goodnight. Yeah, okay. Whatever. No biggie. I do my duty, without any sort of extra oomph, you know? Then he grabs me by both arms, and he’s really a lot bigger and taller than me and tries to whisper sexily “You can do better.” RED FLAG MOTHERFUCKER. Not sexy at all. We kiss again, this time with me not so much kissing as limp and waiting for it to be over. This dude doesn’t get it. He didn’t take any of my signals. I had god-only-knows-how-many texts from him over the next week. Now, I wasn’t being a bitch or anything but I making myself clear and was NOT into him. Some guys just can’t read the writing on your walls.
Anyway, this article really rang true to me, despite not being a girl. I think it can be applied to homosexual queer relations as well. Here is what you need to know (edited for us queers):
Because a (queer) man who ignores
a woman’s (queer man’s)
NO in a non-sexual setting is more likely to ignore NO in a sexual setting, as
well. So if you speak to a woman (queer man) who is otherwise occupied, you’re sending a subtle message.
And what is that message? Well, that you don’t respect boundaries or rights. Hopefully this just means you’re a bit ambitious or not too clued in on social cues. In other words not a rapist, but who really knows?
Stay safe, kiddies.