Mouthrape (Or, a parable of dating bullshit)

I just read an amahzing amazing piece by Phaedra Starling called “Schrödinger’s Rapist: or a guys guide to approaching strange women without getting maced”. It comingled with the conversation last Saturday at a house party I was having about bad kissers. My particular contribution to the story was a meet up a few years ago at my fav NW bar, MuuMuus for some drinking and dinner. Nothing big. To be honest, I wasn’t really into the guy. I was doing what Drea DeMatteo’s character in Broken English refers to as “duty dating.” Dating so I don’t lose the magic touch, lolz.

Anyway, this brother and I were having dinner and some good conversation. I’m still not feeling any sparks and I’m good and sloshed and it’s getting late. Time to go. We go Dutch, (as being queer still doesn’t have a dating designation for who pays what and all that shit) and head out for a ciggy before parting.

Here’s where the trouble starts: the guy wants a kiss goodnight. Yeah, okay. Whatever. No biggie. I do my duty, without any sort of extra oomph, you know? Then he grabs me by both arms, and he’s really a lot bigger and taller than me and tries to whisper sexily “You can do better.” RED FLAG MOTHERFUCKER. Not sexy at all. We kiss again, this time with me not so much kissing as limp and waiting for it to be over. This dude doesn’t get it. He didn’t take any of my signals. I had god-only-knows-how-many texts from him over the next week. Now, I wasn’t being a bitch or anything but I making myself clear and was NOT into him. Some guys just can’t read the writing on your walls.

Anyway, this article really rang true to me, despite not being a girl. I think it can be applied to homosexual queer relations as well. Here is what you need to know (edited for us queers):

Because a (queer) man who ignores a woman’s (queer man’s) NO in a non-sexual setting is more likely to ignore NO in a sexual setting, as well. So if you speak to a woman (queer man) who is otherwise occupied, you’re sending a subtle message.

And what is that message? Well, that you don’t respect boundaries or rights. Hopefully this just means you’re a bit ambitious or not too clued in on social cues. In other words not a rapist, but who really knows? 

Stay safe, kiddies.

Afterdark

There is a book I am in love with, you may know it as "Afterdark". It's a novel by Haruki Murakami. I picked up a Galician copy of it in Madrid called "Tras do solpor". The feelings the book stirred up in me are those of a powerful deep nostalgia. The book takes place in Tokyo, and as the title suggests, after dark. There are various scenes at cafes, restaurants and hotel rooms. These scenes remind me of Japan, living in the now and being a night person. It's a beautiful remembrance. In Japanese one says "懐かしい" /na-tsu-ka-shi-i/. There is an entire world of feeling in that small-syllabicated word.

Despite being disseminated to me through the filter of a language I hardly speak, those feelings remain and I fondly look forward to the novel every time I decide to reread it. I am curious about reading it in English or Spanish but at the same time I am nervous that if I do, the novel will be rendered un-magical to me and the beauty it first presented will evaporate. It's a risk that may be unfounded but why should I risk it? I can always continue to enjoy it in Galician.